The One with Evil.

Lately I've been really angry about death.
The more I think about it, the more frustrated I get.
          I hate how our loved ones leave this planet.
             I hate the pain and brokenness we experience when one dies.
     I hate the hole the deceased leave in a person.
         I hate how broken my heart is over this.

This causes me to think about the root cause of death, sin.
                          evil.
   I am angry I listen to the devil and go against God.
             I am upset I can't just say no.
   I hate that I desire darkness over the light.
      My soul is troubled by evil.
 
   I am constantly realizing how naive I am.
          There is so much evil and pain in this world.

There are serial killers, there are people selling other human lives into a slavery, there is genocide, there is rape, there is abuse, there are human sacrifices, and a million more evil deeds to be added to this list.

I sit here in America, in my comfortable house in southern California with pure freedom when there are people in this world who have never had a day where they don't have to wonder if they'll live to see tomorrow.

I hate this.
     I am bitter towards God right now.
            I am bitter because I can't achieve world peace.
    I am bitter because so many people have lost their innocence.
I am bitter because He gave us free will and we follow the devil instead of Him.
       I am bitter the devil roams this world.
                  I am bitter because I am evil and have no self-control.
    

The Screams of my Soul

I'm in the middle of writing my senior thesis, which means I shouldn't be blogging. But I can't write this paper right now because of the passion burning deep within my soul is way too overwhelming right now. My thesis is on Hollywood. It's on the need for Jesus to reign there. It's on our Missions Conference theme, which I will explain at some point (I've been meaning to), SET US ABLAZE! It's an intercessory prayer taken from Isaiah 63-66, specifically 64:1-2. It's a prayer for Biola, for LA, for the world! This passion the Lord has given me for Hollywood connects with this theme. 

Hollywood is in a state of desperation and they have a great influence on this world. They need to be shouting the name of Jesus from mountaintops. People will listen. Hollywood is so broken. It's breaking my heart. God is breaking my heart for them. (trust me, I've been trying to run from it, maybe I'm Jonah...) My soul is screaming out to Him. My soul is screaming for this industry, my soul is screaming with passion, my soul is screaming with hope. 

Sorry I'm rambling and this probably makes no sense but I'm so overwhelmed by His love and glory and the desire to see His name spread like wildfire through Hollywood and to the ends of the earth, I can't really make clear statements. Hence, taking a break form my thesis. 

 

I long to see Him declared King by all! 

JESUS REIGNS! He is so good! 

(I decided pictures makes blogging more exciting. I think I'm going to start trying to add one to each blog)

 

Break My Heart for what Breaks Yours.

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my Heart for what breaks yours

Some of you may recognize these lyrics (it’s a song by Hillsong).

The past few months, I’ve been asking Jesus to break my heart for His nations.

I want to see with eyes of love.

He’s been doing just that.

Jesus has been showing me a bit of His heart.

There is so much pain and suffering in this world, in my own backyard.

This past weekend, I had 2 very different experiences.

Friday night, I went down to skid row.

Of course, I’ve seen this brokenness before and there is a sense of comfort I find in it,

I think that’s because I feel close to Jesus when I’m with the homeless,

perhaps it’s because Jesus was homeless.

Saturday night I went into Hollywood.

This is a very different [yet similar] brokenness I saw.

I’d never been to a place like this before in America.

My friends wanted to dance and I wasn’t about to miss out.

While we were “good Christian girls,” I couldn’t help but observe everyone around us.

The longer we stayed, the more everyone around us drank.

By the end of the night, I could no longer be in the club.

My heart was crying for these precious children of God.

My spirit became so heavy, I could barely breathe.

At one point I thought I was going to throw up from the heaviness in my chest.

I walked outside to wait, to search my heart, and to pray. [And to take off my heels]

My heart was breaking.

I was overwhelmed and couldn’t comprehend what just happened.

A little while later we went home.

The next morning at church, my pastor spoke about reaching our local community

and taking seriously the privilege we have in being apart of the body of Christ.

I was still so broken about what I saw the night before.

While I knew that people go “clubbing,”

It wasn’t until I stepped into their world did I understand what this entails.

It breaks my heart this is what many do on a weekly basis, sometimes several times a week.

I was shown another piece of darkness, but the spirit was with me and protected me [my friends too].

The torment in my soul was the battle of good and evil.

Jesus protected me. Jesus brought me closer to him. Jesus showed me more of His heart.

As the message closed and worship began, I couldn’t get the faces of those made in the image of God from the night before out of my head.

I began to cry for them.

I cried because they need to meet Jesus.

I cried because they are seeking truth and haven’t found it.

I cried because Jesus’ heart breaks for these souls.

I cried because my heart was broken for them.

And then as I sat in the presence of God, I cried more because of the cross.

It hit me hard.

God had to turn His back on His only son while Jesus hung on the cross bearing the sin of the world.

I’ve known this, but it never broke me like this before.

I can’t imagine the pain and emptiness Christ felt.

He did this for me.

He did this for those precious children in the club.

He did this for Jackie Chan.

He did this for Osama bin Laden.  

God is Love. 

The One with the Beginning of the End.

I've been back in Los Angeles for a week already. School begins in the morning and my schedule has already been full. It's going to be an interesting year with everything I have, especially Missions Conference. I am honoured to have been chosen as the MC co-director and to be in SMU. I have loved connecting with my co-workers this past week. I look forward to a year of great friends, classes, work, and even relying on God for strength to make it through the stressful times.

I live in a house near campus with 5 other girls. They are a wonderful group of girls pursuing a more intimate relationship with Christ. I have truly been blessed. We have a great house for entertaining and I can't wait to have Biola appropriate parties :).

Another chapter has begun in my life and I look forward to living it, but it's going to be a challenge to balance now and planing for the future. I want to live in the present but I already find myself thinking a lot about the end of next May -- graduation. I hope I don't forget to live now and take full advantage of my last year at such a wonderful place.

The One with the Mid-West.

I love the mid-west.

It's so so so good to be back here!

I've missed it.

It's relaxing. It's a blast. It's wonderful!

Life is beautiful! 

The One with a Blessing.

This fell out of my Bible tonight. It's a blessing someone gave me a year ago. So encouraging! 

'May God give Michelle plans that fill her heart with joy and then fulfill them. May she comprehend God's grace, love, and beauty in greater ways through incredible experiences. May she feel accepted and loved by many close friends and family.'

The One with Hello Goodbye

My time in New York is coming to a close.

The past week, all I wanted to do was leave.

The City that once seemed so huge was shrinking in around me.

The buildings were moving closer together.

The streets were getting tighter.

The people were multiplying.

What once seemed like a long walk 

became a quick stride down the street.

         My world was getting smaller here.

             I was getting claustrophobic. 

   

But last night, I started to get sad. 

I was on the streets in a nasty storm with my good friend.

I love rain and thunder. 

I love New York at night. 

I love Kjirsten.

       I didn’t want to leave.

Tonight, as I walked through Central Park and through the streets of the city, I got sad again. 

             I can’t seem to make up my mind.

I’ve always been a person who gets unsettled when I’ve been somewhere too long.

          Maybe that’s what my problem is.

          Maybe I’ve explored NY so much that it’s no longer a mystery to me.

          Maybe I’m just restless.

Being here isn’t so much an adventure anymore; it’s just everyday life now.

As I contemplate my feelings about this now, I just get confused. 

       All week I was dreaming of sweet summer in Iowa aka leaving NYC.

              But now, I am sad to leave.

      Perhaps I am allowing myself to be sad because I know I’m leaving

But now I am also thinking of leaving everyone (KJ, Laura, Martha, Etc.)

I’ve never been very good at making decisions, 

this could have something to do with that. 

      Or maybe I’m thinking too much.

I don’t know anymore.

But as I sit here I do know something for sure:

              I need my fields.

              I need my fresh air.

              I need my space.

              I need my breath.

              I need quiet.

              I need to not be able to touch the person next to me.

I never knew until this week how much I love the country and open-space.

Once I’ve been away from home for a while, it’s such a wonderful place to go back to.

Although to be honest, I know I could never live in Iowa again.

It’s just a great place to visit; it’s my childhood.

I can’t wait for summer in Iowa.

There is something sweet about it…

            Whitey’s Ice Cream

            Bike Rides along the Mississippi

            Late Night Runs with Bentley (my dog)

            Going to the Drive-in

            Home-made Ice Cream

            Late nights at Old Chicago for Happy Hour

            The Storms

            Happy Joe’s Taco Pizza

            My Mother’s German meal

            Spending the day in Scott County Park

            Walking to the dog park

            Unplanned trips to Chicago

            Driving across Iowa to Grandma’s farm in Nebraska

            Random Outings with my mother

            Visiting with old friends

After all the places I go, there is no place like home.

And that’s Bettendorf, Iowa :)

Although I do have some time before I get there…But at least I will be in places that are like home & I know just as well.

My Schedule for the rest of summer::

            --Thursday 2am, Train from NYC to Boston (Meeting my friend Joel)

            --Friday, Flight from Boston to Chicago 

            --In Chicago with loved ones for cousin’s wedding until Sunday

            --To Bettendorf Sunday night

            --Monday, Road trip with my best friend Jenny to Nebraska

            --Thursday, Drive to Wisconsin to Jenny’s new house

            --Saturday/Sunday, Drive home to Iowa :)

            --10 days HOME cramming my days full of those ^ & appointments

            --Aug 18, back to LA.

It’s gonna be a bit crazy, but I wouldn’t have anything less.