The One With My Messy Life but Clean Heart

I am feeling bittersweet at this point. The end is near---which means no more homework, but that also means I will have to leave my family. I only have one more paper and a presentation, neither are due till Tuesday so I thought I would do another, hopefully more in depth update instead of working ahead. I am also waiting for my brother to get here for lunch…he said he was coming 2 hours ago, but then again he is Ugandan and that is how time works here.

I have so much to say, but the words don't come as easily as I hoped. I have not told much about the things I see, experience, and feel. I have only told a tiny percentage of life in Uganda, but I think I am on overload, there is so much to process.

The other day, I was walking to school and one of the girls I often greet gave me an envelope. In it were some letters asking me to pay for her school fees, books, uniform, food, and shoes. I am not sure how to respond, I know I can't just give her money. It's policy here (USP) but also, people can't be dependent on the Mzungu, and if I were to give the $$$ they would expect every white person to give something. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been asked for money or food because they are hungry. The locals view the white man as a hero who has all the money in the world and bring luck. But in reality, we are just like them. We hurt. We are broke. We are desperate for a hero too. When I first got here, my sister told me how the neighbors would ask if we bathe, if we eat, if we sleep, if we use the toilet, and so on. It is sad that some people don't realize we are humans just like them. They think we are fragile and could easily break. I don' t know where these rumors come from but they don't realize we are one with them in Christ. The average Ugandan views the Mzungu as the savior, but in reality the only one who can give eternal joy and answer the needs is Jesus. He may choose or choose not to use the Mzungu as a tool. I get frustrated with many Christians here (US too, but this is about Uganda) who forget they need to be looking to Christ for help instead of to me. I am not the one who can save them, sure I can give them some Shillings, but that will only last so long until they need more and have to beg from another Mzungu. They should be putting their faith in Christ and in the eternal healing only He can provide.

Sometimes it’s the trials that make us complete, trusting in God is His desire. He wants us to be holy, but a problem occurs when we don’t want to be holy. God gives us the trials to be formed to the person He desires. If my greatest desire in life is to become like God and to be pure, then going through pain will get me closer to Him. In the times of trials, using praying and asking God for strength and eyes to see will be the only way to come out stronger and closer with Him. Jesus Christ did not come to save us from pain but to save us from sin. We are to expect pain. God sees everything, He sees beyond the trials and knows things are happening for a reason. We need to trust Him and know that He is forming. Persevering and standing through the trials with God at my side will be the only way to pass. Sadly, many people and even myself look at the hardships of life and blame God, they blame Him for not fixing all their problems and even for not fixing the problems of the world. Why do people blame Him? Sure, He allows these things to happen but surely there is a reason for this. Why is life so unfair and so many are hurting? Why does He allow such pain? In the book Compassion he says “The mystery of God’s love is not that our pain is taken away, but that God first wants to share that pain with us." God could take the pain away, but He has chosen not to because He wants to be a part of it with us. He values our relationship with Him so much that He wants us to come to Him. At the end of the trial, I can look back and see the growth I have made and the growth I have made in Him.

“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you” (John 16:22, ESV).



I have decided to share with you all some excerpts from a paper I wrote.

The call has not been made to simply the disciples or myself, but every Christian has been called to take part in the Great Commission. As mentioned in class, it is time people stop sitting around waiting for the “I am called” moment and/or using another excuse. It doesn’t matter the color of one’s skin, the location in which they live, or the amount of money in their pocket, if one truly claims Jesus is Lord, then they have no reason to ignore the call He has made to all His people. We are given one life to live; if the love of Christ is sincerely in one’s heart, then living for His name is the most invigorating act one can carry out.

Many Christians mistakenly assume the Great Commission is only for the ones who have “been called” to live cross-culturally as Christian expatriates; however, once one has called on the name of Jesus Christ to forgive their sins and enter their hearts, they too are called to the Great Commission with no going back. To ignore this call is to be insincere about the faith one has in Christ. In Compassion, we are told to find those who are suffering and build a home there because that is the way of Christ. People are hurting all over the world, including my home country and even my hometown. There are many ways to partake in the Great Commission, whether that be going to China and planting a church or staying home and working in an office building, as long as the committed Christian lives a lifestyle for Jesus and evangelizes the Gospel to others. Personally, I do not know where the Lord is calling me to live and work or even what to do with my life, but I do know I need to stay faithful to Him and take my minor role in the Great Commission seriously.
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With my future this near and the ever-dreaded “what are you doing with your life?” question being asked more often, I dwell on my possibilities. In Jinja, I saw a desperate need; there are many underdeveloped countries that lack suitable medical facilities. But then Luweero gave me a better understanding of the importance of staying and living locally. Before coming to Uganda, I was determined to get out of America and venture off to a foreign country where I could somehow assist in a medically enhanced manner. Now that I am in a foreign country that lacks proper medical equipment and sanitation, reality has struck me causing me to get selfish and to fight an internal struggle. Part of me wants to stay where it’s comfortable. I want to stay where I don’t have to worry about running out of medical equipment. I want to stay in the cleanliness and comfort of the west. But am I supposed to? Isn’t part of being a Christian going out of my comfort zone? And how much of a light can I be in a developed country? Or is going to another location in the world selfish when people are hurting in my own backyard? What if I go into the inner city or do some kind of work with immigrants? Or am I just coming up with excuses for wanting to stay where I am more comfortable?

In a moment of deep thought and frustration about my future, I looked up and read the words brightly painted on my family’s wall over the archway, serving me a reminder, “Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion which can never be shaken, never be moved (Psalm 125:1).” It struck me, I am sitting here, frustrated and discouraged about this paper, but more importantly with the nebulous path I am to take in life, yet I shouldn’t be. The slap Jesus just gave me helped my anxiousness to leave and the frustrations to dwindle. As long as I stand firm in my faith, Christ will lead me where I ought to be. God also reminded me of similar frustrations I had last semester and the words He clearly told me then, “That is for Me to know, not you. Have faith child.” I should not be looking to the future with anxiety but with joy in not knowing.

Now when asked, “what do you want to do?” I realize the only significant and worthy answer consists of, “I want to live my life for Jesus because He is the Resurrected King.” In His own timing and not mine, Christ will fill in the blank pages of my story something not so easy to always accept. But then again, peeking ahead will spoil the next page or even worse, the conclusion.

I sit here unsure of my future, unsure of what I really want to do, unsure of the Lord’s plan for my life, but I know that as long as I continue to listen to the little whisper He so often calls me with, I will be who I want to be: a daughter of the almighty God. He has called me to find those suffering in my midst and to be with them, something I can do and must do without relying on my physical location in this world.



This kinda shows you all where I am at right now. 100% unsure of life. I can tell you my plans till mid June, but not much past that. Sure I plan on going back to Biola next semester and finishing the next 2 years there, but how easily that could change. A few days ago, I was freaking out about my future (I do not easily stress). I was full of questions and frustrated with the lack of knowing. But now, I am 100% ok with this and just want to live with joy knowing Jesus is in my heart and will lead me on a path He has already shaped.

I am in a place in my life right now where I have no answers, not even for the letter the girl on my walk home gave me. All I can talk about is Jesus and His great love and desire for His creation to recognize Him and praise Him. Oh how He deserves all the glory. He is with me in my trials and knows the other end will be better off then my plan. My life may be messy before my eyes, but my heart is right and sings joy to the Lord!

OH HOW GLORIOUS AND WONDERFUL OUR MAKER IS!! TO HIM BE THE GLORY FOREVER AND EVER!!


Peace